I wrote this last week, its a bit of a babble-woe-is-me post but have chosen to post it anyways to document my emotions of pre-deployment. I still get weepy eyed when support our troop commercials come on or redeployment clips are shown but I think I have gotten most of the tears out and have moved on to acceptance now, I think...
The deployment list is finalized, and J is on it. Nine months somewhere in BFN Afghanistan.
As an Army Wife you know the possibility is always there. You prepare for it regularly. Separation is nothing new its a part of the job. But it never gets easier, maybe more routine, but never easier.J has spent the week in meetings learning about his tasks, his team, his locations, and been briefed on what to expect. Next up is training, issuing of gear, more training, more meetings and never ending late nights, and frequent travels all over the place taking our soldier boy away from home for days and weeks before his actual deployment, then the dreaded packing, unpacking and packing again.This isn't the first time we have done a deployment. This is by far not the first time we have been separated by 1000s of miles. This is not the first time we have gone through these emotions, but somehow it is so different this time.J comes home excited with the new challenge. Excited to be back on the contributing side of defending freedom. Excited about his team, and their mission. He has so much stuff he has absorbed and wants to share, AND wants me be excited for also.
I am NOT as excited as he wants me to be. I'd rather be curled up on the couch between my mom and dad sobbing. There is nothing exciting about staying somewhere so far from family with no husband and four kids (three of which have no idea whats coming and are having trouble comprehending what we are saying). There is nothing exciting about sending a loved one into harms ways, and praying nothing happens. There is nothing exciting about rearranging schedules and routines five thousand different ways to accommodate all the pre-deployment training that takes J away from home for weeks, then having to rearrange them to accommodate the late nights and training exercises that will have him pop in and out of the home for a few weeks. Followed by a few weeks of block leave where he will be all ours, to be followed by his departure. It drags out forever! In all honesty I' rather they just take him two months early and train him somewhere else so I can just start counting down and don't have to deal with the constant roller coaster of emotions and my kids constant confusion of whats going on. Don't get me wrong I will relish every day I get with my soldier boy until he leaves, I will survive the deployment, and I will do it with style! I just think I need to run pre-deployments for a while. What medical professional and top dog green suiter came up with the out, and in, and back out again routine?
This time there isn't the option to move home, with three kids in school and J leaving mid way through the school year. There isn't the option to have my sister move in with me as she is now married with her own family. The last time we did this we only hand two kids. I could put one in each hand or on each leg- that number has doubled. Luckily for us it comes on a year that nothing momentous will be happening, he will be back just in time for Daniel's baptism, and Liza entering Young Women's. For our family the timing as ideal as any separation can get.This week I feel a little frazzled and a bit of an introvert. J and I can't seem much to talk about anything- he's excited and I am not. So much to think about, and so many things to do, with no time as the army is fully occupying that. The kids are picking up on the stress levels and are super sensitive. Mikey is all messed up and making it hard for me to sleep, she is either up till 11pm or up at 5am and constantly into everything and trying to be independent but in constant need of Dad. She doesn't want to nap, if she does she is up until 11pm (which eats up what energy J does have) and if she doesn't nap and goes to bed on time she is up at 5am and I am NOT a 5am morning person!! Daniel who is just way out of sorts, he is aggressive, emotional and super sensitive to anything anyone says. Rainey asks lots of questions, and wants to be involved and understand but can't wrap his little head around it causing more than his normal amounts of aggression and temper. And Liza who I am sure is dealing with it in a way but for the most part is my constant and easy going child who has decided to escape into her books.
Time for me to cry my eyes out, let the emotions go then move on. Maybe then I can find a way to balance the kids out and find some energy for my self. I need to push on! I need go to work and forget about the what ifs. UGH!