Thursday, October 07, 2010

Lost not Found yet

I feel somewhat lost these days. I love my life!! I am a stay at home mother of four beautiful children and wife my prince. I have never enjoyed parenting as much as I have recently. I have enjoyed finding ways to think like my children, encourage them to be their best, to watch them grow and explore the world. I can honestly say I have THE best kids!! They were saved just for me.
My husband chose me to be his wife, that says something about him! He has never once laughed at my projects, discouraged me from trying new things, or learning. He loves ME...
ME- I just don't feel I know who me is. I know what I am, but not who I am. I can quantify myself as a being-I know most of my weaknesses and my strengths. I know my accomplishments, I know my failures. I can tell you my likes and my dislikes but does that tell you who I am?

Have you ever listened to Dr Laura when she says "I am my kids Mom." I have never really thought about that saying much until of late.
MOM! I spend every waking moment of the day focused on something for my family. From the time the alarm goes off till the time I drift off to sleep I am a mom. I am my kids MOM- I cook for them, I wash their clothes for them, I do the grocery shopping for them, I make sure they comb their hair, brush their teeth, and wear change their unders. Help with homework, teach them life lessons, and provide taxi services to and from where ever they may need to go. Mom means service, and I honestly love to serve! I love to help others BUT on my own terms. If I see a need I will try and fill it. I love the feeling of doing something nice for others. I will gladly do your dishes if you are having a rough day just don't ask me to do them let me find the need. I will gladly be someones friend just don't suggest I need to be. I'll gladly help clean my kids rooms but they better not ask me to. But service doesn't define who I am as a whole and neither should the title MOM.

Last week I decided I have taken this title "mom" a little too far. I need to be a little more selfish at times. So I set 3 goals I must accomplish each day just for ME! I thought I would start small.
1.exercise- park at the end of the parking lot and walk the extra ten spaces, do ten jumping jacks, I even started to coach Daniels soccer team on Thursdays (my favorite!!) just move more.
2.brush my teeth first thing in the morning and last thing at night- laugh if you must but I lock my bathroom door and take two minutes to brush MY teeth something-usually in the scriptures. I ask a ? during the day and then look for an answer in the scriptures or in a book at night

Reading got me on the ? of who am I. I haven't been able to find the answer yet. I wish I knew.

I know who I was but I am not her anymore. I don't even know who I want to become. I wish this were an easier ?, something someone could slide me the answer to. Unfortunately, this is more personal than that... So I have started my search for Chrissy. If you find her please let her know I am looking for her.


The Bundys said...

Oh dear Chrissy- you have no idea how much I agree with you. I love being a mother, but if someone were to ask me what I like to do or what my interests are...I dont know what I would tell them. I know what i USED to do pre kids. I know what I WANT to be interested in and do. I just can't seem to find the time to get to that with everything that needs to be done for my family. I need to be more selfish for sure.

Krista said...

I did this same thing about a year ago! I was like "Who in the dickens AM I!?!" beyond my kids mother and a wife. It has been empowering, satisfying and healthy for all involved for me to REALLY like ME again.

The McMullin Family said...

Oh Chrissy, you totally spoke from my heart. I have been thinking similar things lately. I come from a different place than you, having had a very ill husband and having to tackle everything: work, home, nurtering for my kid & my husband, nursing,yes, I have kind of become that as well through out Michael's illness. And then to top it off I was able to accompany my sweet Oma (grandma) back to her Heavenly Father.
In between all that, I lost myself. I understand your desire to figure out again who you are and what you want. When you figure out how to do that, let me know, because I'm just as lost as you are and feel I'm tapping in the dark in a house I've never been in and not knowing where the furniture is.
I know, you will find Chrissy again, you're just THAT determined. And as Krista's experience was, I'm certain it will be empowering to you as well. Keep posting your thoughts and experiences, because I do take strength from them. Love you, girl!